Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bears Watching

Medial researchers are claiming the discovery of a new hemorrhagic fever virus ("HFV") in southern Africa. Called “Lujo” (from Lusaka and Johannesburg, the cities where it was first identified), the virus is said to be easily transmittable through bodily fluids, such as blood, vomit, spit, and bites.

A Columbia University epidemiologist said the virus is “really, really aggressive.”

It is claimed that the outbreak started last fall when a from Lusaka, Zambia became ill with a fever-like illness that quickly grew much worse. Here’s where it gets much worse. Instead of quarantining the infected on site, they airlifted her to Johannesburg, South Africa, where she died, but not before infecting a paramedic and three other health care workers.

It gets worse still. They have shipped samples of the virus and infected fluids to the United States. Thanks for the gift. Readers in New York City and Atlanta should disassociated themselves from their friends who may be medical researchers.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Boston Police Promise Information on Zombie Attacks

Government and public agencies have started using Twitter as a means of communicating information and improving public perception. The Boston Police Department is one such organization, which they are using to update traffic problems and post blotter sheet reports.

Recently, a Boston PD Twitter read: "Officer from district 4 transported to Beth Israel Hospital, human bite to arm, suspect in custody."

A Twitter user responded by asking "If that was a zombie bite, would you tell us?"

Boston_Police replied, "Yes, absolutely."

The Boston PD Twitter sender must be a low level administrative type that has not received the company line on zombie outbreaks, but we’ll take whatever information source we can get.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

China On the Watch List

Sources tell me that there are several isolation quarantines of villages and whole parts of cities in Communist China. The official story is this is related to the Swine Flu outbreak, but the WHO says there has only been one confirmed case of Swine Flu in the PRC.

Given the very low death rate of this strain of flu and the Chinese government's lack of concern for the lives of their people in any case, this quarantine activity seems highly suspicious simply for a flu outbreak.

In other news, it appears that the H1N1 flu virus was man-made in a drug lab and somehow escaped. More evidence that man's tinkering with RNA and bacteria will eventually lead to a full on zombie outbreak.

Fly Turns Fire Ants Into Headless Zombies

Check out today’s news story. “Fly Turns Fire Ants Into Headless Zombies”

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6420449.html

Zombie fire ants are given a zombie parasite by a fly. The zombie maggot eats the brains of the fire ant (naturally), fire ant itself becomes a zombie. Eventually the zombie ant’s head falls off and it dies.

Brought to us by university researchers, the tiny phorid fly (native to a region of South America known to have spawned zombie outbreaks in the past) is being imported to the United States to help “control” the fire ant population. And once again, scientists with their “really cool ideas” sow the seeds of our destruction because of the law of unintended consequences.

Does anyone else foresee a cross breeding incident here that will go horribly wrong?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Grilled Chicken Drug Distribution Plot?

A perfect storm of Oprah Winfrey, a poor economy, and strangely tasty chicken has me believing that we are witnessing a test run of a drug delivery system.

It all started when Oprah Winfrey teamed with KFC to provide coupons for free grilled chicken to Internet downloaders. Soon, the word had spread and tens of thousands of free chicken coupons have been printed (requiring the installation of an .exe file that might make zombies out of the computers).

The redemption rate for free KFC grilled chicken has been so high that several stores have flat run out. Exactly what is in that chicken to make it so tasty? A bird flu vaccine?

As a drug delivery experiment, this exercise has been a great success. There does not appear to be any drug in the chicken at this time, but if there is next time, don’t be surprised if the chicken is laced.

They used to work at the CDC, now they’re giving chicken – free!

Meanwhile, if you are going to get some of the free chicken, hang out in the parking lot for a while to see if any prior patron suffers a reaction prior to getting your grub.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Another Kind of Zombie

In the Bob Hope film "The Ghost Breakers", our hero is faced with defeating a zombie soon after entering a plantation home inherited by a friend.

In one of the movie’s scenes, Bob Hope and Paulette Goddard inquire of Geoff Richard Carlson about the nature of creatures known as "zombies”.

Carlson: "It's worse than horrible because a zombie has no will of his own. You see them sometimes walking around blindly with dead eyes, following orders, not knowing what they do, not caring."

Bob Hope: "You mean like Democrats?"

See the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4a6YdNmK77k

Over the coming days, we will indeed see if the Democrats in the United States are zombies, or retain the nature of living, breathing men of free will and self-determined action.

Over the coming week, the Federal government will wrestle actual control over several of the largest United States banking institutions, effectively socializing large portions of the capitalist system.

The capitalist system in the United States has provided the economic engine that has provided things like the clean water and world class health care system that keeps simple flu viruses from becoming epidemics and causes of mass casualties.

That same capitalist system is under actual attack by the current federal government.

The question is: have the American people become zombies, incapable of seeing this for themselves and thinking on their own about the consequences of socializing the banks?

So, I am issuing National Zombie Activity Watch for the United States. Are the citizens of the United States (particularly those that call themselves Democrats) zombies? Or will the citizens see through the lies of the government, think for themselves, and fight off this government encroachment?

Cancelled: Global Zombie Outbreak Watch

The trumped up global flu pandemic appears to NOT be a cover-up of an outbreak of the walking dead, but instead an international government conspiracy to cover up the fact that the Mexican government is incapable of providing or allowing even basic health care services and sanitary conditions within its borders.

The flu virus that has killed hundreds in Mexico's filthy cities -- where the Mexican government cannot even deliver clean water -- is a mild flu case in any first world country.

This should be a lesson to all those watching for an actual zombie outbreak -- if the outbreak starts in a nation like Mexico, the initial spread of the contagion and the mortality rate will be unchecked by the local government. They are clearly incapable of providing a meaningful health response to even a flu bug.

While the Global Zombie Outbreak Watch is cancelled, attention should still be paid to Mexico, China, and Hong Kong, where curious activities are still taking place.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Suspicious News Item

The government in Hong Kong quarantined an entire hotel with all its guests and workers Friday after an occupant tested positive for “swine flu.” An entire building with all the people inside, just roped off and isolated.

This is indicative of an isolated zombie outbreak within the walls of the Hong Kong hotel. Use caution if traveling to Hong Kong. You can bet if the ChiComs admit to one infected, there are thousands more.