Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm Back - CDC Issues Zombie Warning!

Been overseas fighting zombies, and I'm here to tell you, they are real and they are spectacular.

Meanwhile, the CDC has issued a zombie apocalypse alert. See it here:

Monday, June 8, 2009

Has New Orleans' Mayor Become a Zombie?

News has come to me that Ray Nagin, Mayor of New Orleans, has been "quarantined" in Communist China due to some form of contagion ("Swine Flu" -- yeah, right). Moreover, since his quarantine, no one has been able to communicate with Mayor Nagin. No access to Mayor Nagin has been provided to the American Embassy personnel or the Mayor's staff. No phone calls. It is as if he CAN'T communicate, and the Chinese are covering it up.

Given that Nagin is the mayor what what is likely Zombie Central in the United States, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that Mayor Nagin was infected in New Orleans and turned during his flight to the PRC. God only knows post-Katrina what form of bacteriological/viral stew New Orleans has become. They should have declared that city a Superfund cleanup site and shut it down. Pumping out the town directly into Lake Pontchartrain is going to have serious consequences for decades. Perhaps the Mayor's case is just the first public sign.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bears Watching

Medial researchers are claiming the discovery of a new hemorrhagic fever virus ("HFV") in southern Africa. Called “Lujo” (from Lusaka and Johannesburg, the cities where it was first identified), the virus is said to be easily transmittable through bodily fluids, such as blood, vomit, spit, and bites.

A Columbia University epidemiologist said the virus is “really, really aggressive.”

It is claimed that the outbreak started last fall when a from Lusaka, Zambia became ill with a fever-like illness that quickly grew much worse. Here’s where it gets much worse. Instead of quarantining the infected on site, they airlifted her to Johannesburg, South Africa, where she died, but not before infecting a paramedic and three other health care workers.

It gets worse still. They have shipped samples of the virus and infected fluids to the United States. Thanks for the gift. Readers in New York City and Atlanta should disassociated themselves from their friends who may be medical researchers.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Boston Police Promise Information on Zombie Attacks

Government and public agencies have started using Twitter as a means of communicating information and improving public perception. The Boston Police Department is one such organization, which they are using to update traffic problems and post blotter sheet reports.

Recently, a Boston PD Twitter read: "Officer from district 4 transported to Beth Israel Hospital, human bite to arm, suspect in custody."

A Twitter user responded by asking "If that was a zombie bite, would you tell us?"

Boston_Police replied, "Yes, absolutely."

The Boston PD Twitter sender must be a low level administrative type that has not received the company line on zombie outbreaks, but we’ll take whatever information source we can get.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

China On the Watch List

Sources tell me that there are several isolation quarantines of villages and whole parts of cities in Communist China. The official story is this is related to the Swine Flu outbreak, but the WHO says there has only been one confirmed case of Swine Flu in the PRC.

Given the very low death rate of this strain of flu and the Chinese government's lack of concern for the lives of their people in any case, this quarantine activity seems highly suspicious simply for a flu outbreak.

In other news, it appears that the H1N1 flu virus was man-made in a drug lab and somehow escaped. More evidence that man's tinkering with RNA and bacteria will eventually lead to a full on zombie outbreak.

Fly Turns Fire Ants Into Headless Zombies

Check out today’s news story. “Fly Turns Fire Ants Into Headless Zombies”

Zombie fire ants are given a zombie parasite by a fly. The zombie maggot eats the brains of the fire ant (naturally), fire ant itself becomes a zombie. Eventually the zombie ant’s head falls off and it dies.

Brought to us by university researchers, the tiny phorid fly (native to a region of South America known to have spawned zombie outbreaks in the past) is being imported to the United States to help “control” the fire ant population. And once again, scientists with their “really cool ideas” sow the seeds of our destruction because of the law of unintended consequences.

Does anyone else foresee a cross breeding incident here that will go horribly wrong?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Grilled Chicken Drug Distribution Plot?

A perfect storm of Oprah Winfrey, a poor economy, and strangely tasty chicken has me believing that we are witnessing a test run of a drug delivery system.

It all started when Oprah Winfrey teamed with KFC to provide coupons for free grilled chicken to Internet downloaders. Soon, the word had spread and tens of thousands of free chicken coupons have been printed (requiring the installation of an .exe file that might make zombies out of the computers).

The redemption rate for free KFC grilled chicken has been so high that several stores have flat run out. Exactly what is in that chicken to make it so tasty? A bird flu vaccine?

As a drug delivery experiment, this exercise has been a great success. There does not appear to be any drug in the chicken at this time, but if there is next time, don’t be surprised if the chicken is laced.

They used to work at the CDC, now they’re giving chicken – free!

Meanwhile, if you are going to get some of the free chicken, hang out in the parking lot for a while to see if any prior patron suffers a reaction prior to getting your grub.